First Darkness, Then Light.

Every evening, I'm finding myself scouring the Internet for fellow bloggers-- more specifically, those that are adopting from Baotou. At this moment, there is a family in Baotou with only four more days before returning to the USA. I had sent them a message a few days before they departed on their journey, in the hopes if they had seen Nevin, maybe they could take a picture for us. Unfortunately, and understandably, the orphanage is not allowing pictures to be taken of the other children. I'm uncertain at this point if they even met Nevin. Sigh.

Now, my children have become very aware of Nevin "coming from China". Even my two year old on the phone with her Nana this morning asked, "Nana, are you in China?"

Often enough, the question is asked from the kids, "When is Nevin coming home?" I've resorted to answering with an explanation that involves a very special letter being mailed from China. So now, every time I bring in the mail, it becomes the Spanish Inquisition.

This leads my blog to a few pictures I saw in the post I read this morning. But first, let me make it clear that our entire family is making preparations for Nevin's arrival-- just like bringing home a newborn. His room is nearly ready, we are buying things for the trip, we sent him care pack, and we are talking about Nevin with the kids like he's already a part of our family. However, Nevin has no idea we are coming. He has no idea that in a few short months, he will be taken from his homeland, his caretakers and playmates, his culture and language, foods, smells...EVERYTHING he has ever known. Now back to pictures I saw this morning....the new daughter was obviously scared, confused, crying, hiding and evidently- grieving. As the trip moves through the blog, I begin to see some smiles, laughs and cuddles with Mommy and Daddy.

Which leads me to say, although the excitement at home is beyond belief for Nevin's arrival, I still have a great sadness for him. Not only has he lost his connection to his birth mother, we will be the bridge that takes him away from very early life in China, to his new life with his forever family in Canada. This is a guilt, if you will, that many adoptive families experience. And I have a feeling I too will be grieving and sobbing for him when we board the plane in Beijing, to head back to Toronto.

Before the light at the end of the tunnel begins, we will have to travel through the shadows before we get there.